Marriage Advice from a Divorced Woman

Most people don't want to listen to parenting advice from those that have never raised a child and I suspect the same to be true of taking advice from divorced people. But those of us who have survived the amputation of our pride, dignity and self esteem caused from the divorce are a different breed then the know-it-all non-parent parenting advisors we've all come to question.

I spent ten years in a marriage that began far too soon but it wasn't all bad otherwise I wouldn't have stayed for even one year. I don't know about you but I feel like I should get the privelege of distributing one strong tip per year of marriage. Don't you think it's an earned privelege that may help current young couples or at least bring a smile to their face as they look at each other and say, "That will never happen to us!"

1. Never pass gas in front of your spouse. Now unfortunately this only applies to women because for men it's perfectly acceptable after the second date. Honestly, it can seem very unlady-like and it's definitely a turn off for the man. Now on the flip side of that you can always feel free to use their disgust to your advantage. Are there times that you're just not "in the mood"? Usually it's when you're cooking dinner, reading in bed or trying to fold clothes. These are the times that popping off a little gas bomb could help you without encountering an argument. Men will quickly scramble away in search of a sports channel or power tool to avoid you witnessing their disgust. Result: You get to continue reading your book, cooking dinner or folding clothes.

2. Don't get too comfortable with each other. Again, this applies more to the women. If you begin showing signs of being "too comfortable" around your man you will soon find yourself involved in interesting situations. When a man knows that he can burp, fart, blow snot straight from his nose to the ground and make noises while sitting on the toilet all in your presence then physical aid and advice is not far behind. A man that feels completely comfortable with you will have no problem peeling off his sock in front of you, tossing his shriveled smelly foot in the air and asking you to look at the sore on the bottom of his third toe. A comfortable man will not hesitate to ask you to squeeze the infected hair on his back and administer alcohol and antibiotic cream to the area. A man at ease with his mate will not think twice about asking you to investigate the contents of the toilet bowl after making a deposit to see if you think the contents are "normal". Now I have to admit after you have kids this is much easier to endure.

3. Never pretend that single friends are okay to go out with alone. Single friends are your enemy. Single friends are out at night looking for single women or men and if your mate is out with him/her then who do you think they're mingling with? Single friends are like a horrible religious cult. Once they are out of your presence they will preach relentlessly to your mate about the joys of freedom and the single life. They will visit your house, eat your food, and laugh at your jokes but make no mistake...they are the enemy.

4. In-laws should be called Out-laws. These people will turn on you in a second! In-laws will always take the side of their child. Now they may act differently when you're around and there's an argument taking place but in private quarters, they are siding with their son or daughter. I also feel compelled to tell you that once the grandchildren are born, you're both out. Husband and wife are invisible and the grandchildren become the new focus. Once in-laws become grandparents, you're marital problems are abandoned which could be a good thing or a bad thing depending on your situation.

5. Don't try to break old habits developed in childhood. Men are especially impossible and guilty of the inability to change old habits. This is mostly due to their mothers. Tossing their clothes on the bedroom floor and dumping food in the sink is among a few of the childhood habits you will have to deal with. I really don't have any advice here because nothing will work so my advice is to just accept and deal with some of these disorders instilled by the mothers of these men and move on to bigger issues. I tried everything. After years of asking, begging, pleading and fussing about food being dumped in the sink, I finally snapped. We didn't have a garbage disposal so I had to manually scoop this slimy, soggy wet food out of the sink by hand. One afternoon we had beef stew for dinner. I cooked, we ate, and all the dishes went into the sink. I bathed the kids, read the bedtime stories and relaxed for a while as my husband ventured off to bed. I returned to the kitchen to begin the dishes but the water wouldn't drain because there were large carrots and potatoes lodged in the drain. I always emptied the kids and my bowls so I knew it could only be from one bowl. HIS bowl. I calmly reached into the drawer and pulled out a large soup spoon. I used the soup spoon to scoop out a large portion of the soggy food and slowly walked into the bedroom where my sleeping husband lay. I gently dropped the large spoon full of food into his left work boot and returned to the kitchen to finish the dishes. I wouldn't hear another word until 6am the following morning as I listened to my husband yell out in anger after shoving his foot into a beef stew filled boot. Result: He still dumped food in the sink although it was a while later.

6. Don't leave with food during an argument. Since we're on the subject of food I have to express the importance of food to a man. One of the biggest arguments I had with my ex-husband was just before dinner time. He stomped off to the bathroom to take his bath because he had worked in construction all day. We continued to argue from separate rooms and when I walked into the kitchen to begin making hamburgers I quickly decided I wasn't going to cook for him. I made the decision to scoop up the thawed hamburger meat, potatoes and other vegetables and make my way to my mother's house to cook there for me and the babies. Unfortunately I announced my plans throughout the house and this didn't sit well with the ogre in the tub. Shampoo and conditioner bottles whizzed past me as I walked out the door and the crazed shoutings of a hungry construction worker echoed through the neighborhood.

7. Never force a personal activity on the other. Sometimes it's just better to go alone. Honestly, you're going to have a better time by yourself if your partner didn't want to go in the first place. There's nothing more unpleasant than being at a function with someone that is miserable. Just leave them at home. If they don't like parades and they've told you they don't like parades then don't drag them to a parade. You won't have fun, I promise. Find a friend or family member that enjoys that particular activity and leave your spouse at home. Give him/her a chore. Maybe they can do dishes or mow the lawn while you're gone.

8. Don't befriend your spouses ex. The ex-wife or husband of your spouse is not your friend. They're divorced for a reason and like it or not, there are sore feelings on one or both sides. You can definitely be civil and gracious but don't start inviting the ex to parties and events. I totally believe that it is better to get along but that doesn't mean you have to start going to the movies with the ex.
The ex-spouse is not a whole lot different than the out-laws except they don't warm up when another child is born. This is only viewed as a threat to them. If you're lucky you'll meet a mate that has an ex that isn't crazy and all will be well but for those of us that aren't so lucky, we'll be cursed with a crazy psychotic that's out for blood. Be cautious and be alert and you'll survive the ex.

9. Make a list of things that annoy you and a list of things you adore. Both parties can have fun at this. After years of marriage you're probably pretty clear on what bugs the crap out of you the most. Share that with your mate. I actually never had the opportunity to do this activity but wish I had. My list would have included things like:
I can't stand the way you scratch yourself at night.
I don't like that pair of jeans you wear all the time.
I hate the way you pronounce battery.
I love the way glance at me from across the room.
I appreciate your determination to get that broken motorcycle to work.
I admire your passion for animals.

10. Make love in anger. The best way to get rid of all that anger is to use that energy and stress as a release. The whole "never go to bed angry" actually does make sense. There's a lot of adreniline that comes from your arguments. Use that adreneline and apply it to the bedroom. The real issue can be readdressed the next day when both people have a more clear head.